It all started with a nice meal.

I wish I could be even slightly concerned that everytime I drink I inevitably end up writing here the day after.

So there I was listening to the radio with a cigarette, a bottle of red, a stomach full of good food, a good friend and a head full of ideas that would later lead to my unravelling.

At some point during the night I just understood what was going on, it’s a sad idea when you have so much on your mind that you can only hear it when the whirring dies down due to some sort of sedative, be it naturally occurring or from a bottle.

But in the time something amazing happened and I understood with some help from my friend that I have so many ideas and unattainable dreams that it whirs incredibly fast and I get too tired just trying to find one final goal that I end up writing in to the abstract, reading more, writing more and ultimately going further down the spiral.

At first I thought that made so much sense but there is something inside me that tells me to push for everything I can’t have, like I’m seeking some ultimate truth, to go further then the greatest artists, philosophers and musicians.

It’s almost as though I’m chasing some form of immortality but without debasing that whir I can never explain why.

My friend tells me to just get by, to let it be, to go with the flow, but it’s never enough, I need to be doing something.

I can’t decide whether it’s a curse or a blessing.

I find myself thinking, where is the magic?

Where is the community I desire, the musicians that have the same motivations as I?

And if I were to find them (or even in the case of working by myself), where are my ideas?

Where are my lyrics and my songs?

They’re all in the garbage, because I can’t stay happy with a song for more than 15 minutes without thinking it childish or boring. Perhaps I’m a perfectionist, but being aware of this, where should I stop?

Where should I say ‘Alright, this is good’?

Where do I stop my perfectionist trait?

I can’t have the confidence I want without my own approval of any piece of music or any set of lyrics.

This is quite bothersome.

Yours,

Pura