It went something like this.

Actually, I’ll go far enough to say this is a transcript

 

 

 

Look. I'm getting some weird vibes, like you aren't telling me something. Is there something you haven't told me?

 

nothing that  you need to know

its all good

 

You say need, but is there something I would want to know

 

i dont know

doesnt really matter i guess

do you want to come around for coffee?

or tea?

 

in a bit

It does matter to me though.

 

well we're not together anymore - it probably shouldnt matter

 

I get vibes off everyone, but regardless of our relationship status, you're still very important to me and it's a weight feeling uneasy vibes from you.

I just want to clear my head and figure out why I have these uneasy thoughts.

 

am i really important to you

 

As much as I don't like it to be the truth sometimes, yeah

So, is there some sort of reason I'm feeling this?

 

i dont know *** gee z

i dont understand what you're feeling

 

Neither do I, but it has to do with you. So it makes it all the more potent.

 

well, it shouldnt

im going to have a smoke

see you/tty soon

 

 

What does one say to that?

I’m stuck at the top of a tower where the stairs go up but there is no platform, just a plummet to the gravel.

Stuck in a constant unbalance.

Say nothing, be loved, say feeling, be shunned.

I know it’s over, I’m in no denial here, but there is always withering, constant shine.

Let it go, let it be.

Be friends?

Be uncomfortable, be the worm, the leech until you are flicked.

I never wanted it to be this way, but I’m letting myself suckle.

Is she hiding

something, or am I just paranoid?

 

Yours,

Pura

It all started with a nice meal.

 

I wish I could be even slightly concerned that everytime I drink I inevitably end up writing here the day after.

 

So there I was listening to the radio with a cigarette, a bottle of red, a stomach full of good food, a good friend and a head full of ideas that would later lead to my unravelling.

 

At some point during the night I just understood what was going on, it’s a sad idea when you have so much on your mind that you can only hear it when the whirring dies down due to some sort of sedative, be it naturally occurring or from a bottle.

But in the time something amazing happened and I understood with some help from my friend that I have so many ideas and unattainable dreams that it whirs incredibly fast and I get too tired just trying to find one final goal that I end up writing in to the abstract, reading more, writing more and ultimately going further down the spiral.

At first I thought that made so much sense but there is something inside me that tells me to push for everything I can’t have, like I’m seeking some ultimate truth, to go further then the greatest artists, philosophers and musicians.

It’s almost as though I’m chasing some form of immortality but without debasing that whir I can never explain why.

My friend tells me to just get by, to let it be, to go with the flow, but it’s never enough, I need to be doing something.

I can’t decide whether it’s a curse or a blessing.

 

I find myself thinking, where is the magic?

 

Where is the community I desire, the musicians that have the same motivations as I?

 

And if I were to find them (or even in the case of working by myself), where are my ideas?

 

Where are my lyrics and my songs?

 

They’re all in the garbage, because I can’t stay happy with a song for more than 15 minutes without thinking it childish or boring. Perhaps I’m a perfectionist, but being aware of this, where should I stop?

 

Where should I say ‘Alright, this is good’?

 

Where do I stop my perfectionist trait?

 

I can’t have the confidence I want without my own approval of any piece of music or any set of lyrics.

 

This is quite bothersome.

 

Yours,

Pura

Drinking.

Have another glass, another bottle, another sip, another shot, and another $50 barkeep.

Glad to keep you in business, at least something positive comes out of it for someone this way.

 

I’m so sick of… youth.

Which may appear to be strange as I am a part of them for the next 4 years at least.

Does youth stop where wrinkles begin?

In that case I may be youth for some time yet, 6 years at least.

 

I was enjoying drinking for a good month, going to a bar, picking up, and being young and stupid. This is something bizarre for me to begin with, but it came to climax in the last 24 hours.

I made the odd decision to go and catch up with my ex girlfriend. A rather inept idea to begin with, this was followed by my room mate conveniently calling me and telling me to meet him further up the road at ‘our’ bar.

I went here for only an hour before I realised why I don’t like these places, I went back to my ex girlfriend’s house, rather intoxicated. And like the fool I’ve become in the last few weeks due to constant drinking I told her I missed her and I wasn’t sure it was as good an idea as it once seemed.

I then became rather uncomfortable and asked her to drive me home, which she agreed to (after suggesting I stay at her house, which I refused to my discomfort).

I came home and slept.

 

What is wrong with this picture?

 

It took me over 2 weeks, 14-20 days to remember that I don’t have fun in bars and yet I had been going to them constantly.

Am I becoming an idiot?

Am I subconsciously ignoring something I used to be in touch with?

Or, is this something that I fear more, was I subconsciously ignoring something preceding this love of the ‘youth scene’ and this ignorance has hit me again?

The latter seems improbable.

 

I don’t know where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going?

I feel so vacant, no goal aside from attend university next year (and the others) and get my masters or a PHD in Psychology.

It almost seems the greatest irony when I’m beginning to question my own sanity…

 

I can’t stand this world. I love music, books and anyone that I can share an idea with, someone with similarities to myself.

It’s so difficult finding anything in common with anyone, because I get an adrenaline fuelled shock when I find someone that likes more than 3 bands or books that I ask them about (and they actually DO know them, not ‘heard of them’ or ‘a friend has read/listened).

It’s so hard to find anything.

I’m sick of different people, they’re all the same.

 

Nothing is normal,

Nothing feels worth a fight,

Not because I can’t be bothered,

But, because we are all dead already,

Maybe I should stop seeing the broader picture because 9 times out of 10 it results in death of all living things. Religious aside.

 

I’d like to make the most of this.

I’d like to write some lyrics, I’d like to push some ideas through some music.

The way my favourite bands do.

Even just to push parts of my life through some music, the way that some bands do, that take away the really unnecessary clichés, the extended/useless metaphors, occasionally throw in a metaphor or simile but keep an idea. A song for the people that will be easily related to, something raw, something real, but something different.

 

One day, I’ll keep playing some guitar, keep writing these pointless blogs, pulling bits and pieces in to my lyrics, there’s bound to be something in a jumble of vowels and syllables.

 

Yours,

Pura 

Forced back inside a shell that is an eternal pathless world when it’s dark.

 

There isn’t too much too say about it all. My girlfriend of two years, whom I spent the better part of young adult years, went through turmoil and troublesome waters only to find a nothingness at the end that still hurts.

 

After everything we ever had, we just found a shallow pond that bode us the reluctance to spend time together, just a stagnant pool.

 

Spending the entirety of the week forgetting by looking through the bottom of a bottle, but now that it’s wearing off and I’m moving away from such a state of delirium I am forced to overcome whatever resentment I have for myself and everything around me.

 

We never left on bad terms, but apathy is just as awful. There is some sort of dizzying high that seems to follow too high of an emotion,

glazed over eyes and muted saxophone voices.

 

So now I sit here, with no more than 4 friends, none of which I am very close to anymore.

No significant other and a life that sits in a shell, in the dark, afraid to turn on the light, afraid of seeing the gleaming shell only centimetres away.

 

I might feel lonely, but I never want to feel trapped.

 

Yours,

Pura